


Bond of Souls

by Lakritzwolf



Series: Bond of Blood [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Family Feels, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-02
Updated: 2015-03-02
Packaged: 2018-03-16 00:11:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3467213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakritzwolf/pseuds/Lakritzwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My take on the childhood of the Durin brothers in Ered Luin, from Kili's birth to adulthood, and on how the bond between them developed. Part one of my series "Bond of Blood" No slash.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fealty

**Author's Note:**

> Originally this first chapter was only intended as a more or less short scene about the birth of Kili and the starting of the bond between the two Durin brothers. It got a little longer than planned, but since I’ve wanted to try out my hand at a mellow, emotional Thorin, I give you both. Thorin, Dís, Fili (and Kili) – family hurt and feelings.  
> I know this has been done before, but I had these ideas in my head and needed to get them out. So here is my version of the Durin Brothers’ childhood in Ered Luin and how the bond between them developed.
> 
>  _uzagh-im_ : Little warrior  
>  _uzbadnâthaê_ : My princess  
>  _nana_ : Sister

Fili didn’t understand what uncle Thorin was saying. He only understood that he made his mother cry. 

“Why is uncle Thorin making _Amad_ cry?”  
Dwalin went down into a crouch beside him. His voice was cracked. ”He doesn’t mean to, _uzagh-im_. He’s bearing bad news.”

Fili looked up at him, and realised the big warrior was dirty and covered in bruises and scrapes, like his uncle, who was now holding his mother in his arms and leading her past him, out of the door. With a heavy sigh, Dwalin picked the young dwarfling up and carried him outside, too.

A group of men stood outside, some of whom Fili knew and others who were strangers to him. All of them were dirty and bloodied. In their midst lay a stretcher, and Fili watched his mother kneel down beside it and slowly remove the blanket. A sob caught in her throat. 

It was his father lying under the blanket, still and pale, his golden hair crusted with blood. 

_“Adad?”_

Dís’ head jerked around. “For pity’s sake, Dwalin, take the child away from here!”  
Fili was still staring at his father, and his mother sitting beside him on the cold, hard ground. Dwalin shifted him in his arms. “He needs to see.”  
“No.” Dís voice was a hoarse whisper. “No, he is too young!”  
“It’s his father.” Dwalin walked up to her and knelt as he set Fili down, keeping a hold of the young boy’s shoulders. “He needs to know. He is old enough to understand.”

Fili looked down at his father’s face. “ _Adad_?”  
“He can’t hear you anymore,” Dwalin said in a surprisingly gentle voice. “He is dead.”  
“Dead?” Fili curled his fists. “Like when Nanar’s dog got under the cart?”  
“Yes.”  
“So he won’t wake up?”

Dís covered her face in her hands, trying to stifle her weeping. 

“No,” Dwalin answered. “He won’t wake up.”  
“But...” The young boy’s face distorted into a grimace of grief. “But he promised me he’d make me a sword and teach me how to fight! He promised!”  
Dwalin held the child a little tighter. “It’s not by his choice, Fili. He surely would rather have kept his promise, but his life was taken against his will. He fought hard, and he was a great and brave warrior. Remember him as such, and forgive him for not being here anymore.”

Fili kept staring at his father’s face in mute despair.  
“Say it,” Dwalin urged him gently. “Say that you forgive him for not being able to keep his promise.”  
Fili audibly sniffed up the contents of his runny nose and wiped a hand across his nostrils. Then he straightened up and took a deep breath. “I forgive you, _Adad_ , for not being able to keep your promise.” 

His childish voice was painfully out of place for the graveness of the words, and more than a few of the warriors who had brought Felin home were wiping their eyes. 

Thorin and Dwalin both stood vigil by Felin’s side that night, and they buried him in the mountain the next day. 

It was a grievous sight to see the small boy of no more than five summers place his favourite toy horse into his father’s coffin.  
“So he can remember me in the Halls of Waiting,” the boy said, and Dwalin nodded gravely. “Farewell, _Adad_ ”

A likewise grievous sight was Dís, clad in the white of mourning and her belly protruding with late pregnancy. She could not stop her tears as she placed a last kiss on Felin’s cold and lifeless lips.  
“Rest well my love,” she whispered. “Until we meet again.”

Then the coffin was closed and lowered into the tomb. Felin, son of Fali, had gone back into the mountain.

* * *

The true reaction, however, came some days later. Fili, who had been out of his diapers for more than two years, started wetting the bed again and clung to his mother like a burdock. He stopped talking altogether and finally refused to eat by himself so his mother had to feed him like an infant.

It was at that point that Thorin decided to step in and one evening he took the boy aside, placing him on his lap after sitting down in the big armchair by the hearth.

“Fili, my lad. Look at me.”  
Fili’s eyes met his, and Thorin’s heart clenched. Those big, blue, childish eyes, so innocent and yet so full of grief.  
“I understand that you miss your father. I miss him, too, and so does your mother. I understand, too, that you are afraid that your mother will leave you as well. But that won’t happen, do you understand? I will not let that happen.” He tried to put as much authority into his voice as he could muster. “Your mother will not leave you.”

And for the first time in three weeks, Fili finally spoke again. “But he promised.”  
“I know. And it grieves him when he thinks of you, there in the Halls of Waiting. But I will honour his promise for him.”  
A spark of life ignited in Fili’s eyes. “You will teach me how to fight?”  
“Yes.”  
“And how to ride a pony?”  
“Yes.”  
“And how to drink ale?”  
“Ye... did he promise that, too?” Thorin pressed his lips together, feeling a strange mix of dismay and amusement.  
Fili nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, uncle. He said that a warrior must be able to hold his drink! And I held his tankard once, but it was too heavy...” he then ended somewhat apologetic.  
Thorin cleared his throat. “Well, if he promised you that, then I shall teach you that, too.”

Fili mulled over this for a while before looking at Thorin again. “And _Amad?_ ”  
“What about her?”  
“ _Adad_ promised to protect her and the new baby and give it a name.”  
“I shall do that, too, Fili. Your mother and I have agreed that I move in here with you.”  
“You will live here?”  
“Yes.”  
“Then will you marry _Amad?_ ”

This time, Thorin couldn’t suppress a sad chuckle. “No, my boy. I cannot marry her, for she is my sister.”  
Fili’s face scrunched up in incomprehension.  
“You will understand in time. For now, I gather it is time for bed.”With that, Thorin got up, settling the boy in his arms, and headed for the stairs. 

“Uncle Thorin,” Fili muttered into his shoulder.  
“Yes, my boy?”  
“Can I sleep in your bed tonight?”

Thorin was about to say no to that, but changed his mind when he realised that the boy was holding on to him with all his childish strength. “Well... all right then. But only under one condition.”  
Fili peeled his head out of Thorin’s fur collar, bright blue eyes wide and expectant.  
“You will use the chamber pot.”  
He nodded as earnestly as only a child can.  
“As long as that is understood.”

When Thorin went to his bed later that evening, Fili was lying across the bed with his feet sticking out and his hair tousled into an unruly mess. Thorin’s smile vanished when he perceived a faint smell of urine, but upon discovering that the smell emanated from the chamber pot the smile returned and with a gentle sigh Thorin picked up the sleeping boy to turn him so his head rested on the pillow again.

The moment he crept under the blanket Fili rolled towards him, and Thorin fell asleep with Fili’s breathing against the skin of his neck.

He was awoken some time later by Fili’s tossing and flailing.

“No! No, _Adad... Adad_ , come back! Don’t **go**!”  
With the last word Fili bolted upright and tears were streaming down his face. “ _Adad! Adad!_ ”  
“Fili.” Thorin put his arms around his nephew and pulled him close. “Fili.”  
Fili fell into his arms with a sob. “He’s gone, Uncle! He left me alone!”  
“He is gone, yes. But he did not leave you alone, because I am here now.”  
“Don’t leave me!” Fili burrowed into Thorin’s embrace. “Don’t go!”  
“I won’t,” Thorin replied gently.

* * *

When Dís came up into the kitchen the next morning she was a little surprised that there was no sign of her brother yet. She checked the hearth chamber, and tip-toed down the stairs again, cautiously opening his bedroom door.  
He was still in bed, and beside him, wisps of blond hair peeked out from under the blanket.

“Brother?” A gentle smile played around her lips as she wiped her eyes.  
“I promised him I would not go away,” Thorin replied in a whisper. “I thought it a bad idea to get up while he is still asleep.”  
“Bless you.” Dís shook her head. “Should I bring you something?”  
“Don’t trouble yourself.” Thorin took a deep breath. “Go back to your bed and rest, Mahal knows you need it. Fili and I will manage to find something to eat, and then I will take him with me to the forge. I shall send one of the other women here to keep you company and help in the house.”  
“I can manage.”  
“I know.” Thorin smiled sadly. “But you are due soon, and you are tired. Didn’t you tell me a hundred times not to let my pride make my life harder than necessary?”

Beaten with her own words, Dís smiled and shook her head. “I’ll go back to bed then.”

* * *

Fili was a very eager helper in the forge, shovelling coal and pumping the bellows and fetching water until he was so spent he fell over his own feet on their way home. After a quick lick and a promise he devoured an incredible amount of food for his size and was already more than half asleep when Thorin carried him down the stairs. 

“Uncle Thorin’s bed,” He muttered sleepily when Thorin headed for Fili’s room. “Uncle Thorin’s bed.”  
Thorin only hesitated for a moment before changing directions.

It was not long after Thorin had gone to bed himself that he was awoken again by the sound of the door. He sat up and saw Dís standing in the doorway, clutching her belly.

“Is it time?”  
Dís simply nodded.  
“Fili.” Thorin gently shook the boy awake. “Fili, wake up.”  
Bleary-eyed and cranky Fili sat up and whined. “’M tired.”  
“I need to go out. Stay with your mother.”  
“Don’t go!” Fili clutched Thorin’s hand. “Don’t go!”  
“I will be back. I need to get Salla. Your mother needs her.”

Fili let go of his hand and watched Thorin dress quickly. Dís sat down on the bed beside him.

“ _Amad?_ Where is Uncle Thorin going?”  
“He goes to fetch Salla. The baby in my belly wants to come out now, and Salla will help us.”  
“The baby comes out now?” Fili’s eyes went as wide as saucers.  
“Well, I hope he gives your uncle the time to come back with the midwife.” Dís took a deep breath around the next contraction. “And Fili?”  
“Yes, _Amad?_ ”

Dís met her son’s eyes and took both of his hands in hers. “I won’t have you be afraid, do you hear? Having a baby hurts, it hurts a lot. But that’s just the way it is. I will make sounds, very loud maybe, but you do not have to be afraid.”  
“Will you cry?” Fili asked, his lips quivering.  
“I guess I will.” Dís ran a hand through his hair. “But as soon as the baby is out, it stops, and it doesn’t hurt anymore.”  
Fili looked at her belly. “And then?”  
“Then we will know if you have a brother or a sister.”  
“And can I play with it then?”  
“Not at first.” Dís took another deep breath. “Babies are tiny when they are new. They can’t talk, and can’t sit and can’t play.”  
Fili seemed disappointed. “What can it do then?”  
Dís shrugged. “Drink milk and poop.”

Fili crossed his arms. “Did I drink milk, too? And poop?”  
“You did nothing else for the first half year.”  
A deep, slightly disgusted frown showed on Fili’s face. “That’s stupid.”  
“That’s the way it is.”  
“But it’s still stupid.”  
Dís chuckled, but gasped when the next contraction came.

“Does it come out now?” Fili asked excitedly.  
“No, not yet. But it sure seems to be in a hurry.”  
“Hey!” Fili leaned over his mother’s belly. “Hello baby! I’m your brother! We can play when you’re born and have drinked milk and pooped!”  
Dís fondly ruffled his hair.  
“And you can play horse with me!” Then he frowned. “Can you maybe try and not hurt _Amad_ so much when coming out?”

Before Dís could think of something to say they could hear the door. Fili shot out of the bed and flew into Thorin’s arms. “ _Amad_ says the baby is coming now!” Then he frowned. “But I can’t play with it because it needs to drink milk first. And poop.”  
“You don’t say,” Thorin replied with a lopsided grin at the midwife’s hearty laugh. 

“Now you two go upstairs,” Salla said to them. “Runa is up there making some tea and getting some food ready before joining us.”  
“Will that be her first birth?” Dís asked.  
Salla nodded. “She’s as excited as can be and I sure hope she is ready for it. I am glad it’s you, Dís, for you had little trouble last time so there’s hope it will be like that again.” Then she yelled up the stairs. “Runa!”  
“I’m coming, _Amad!_ ” Salla’s daughter came hurrying down the stairs. “I’m here!”  
“Right.”Salla clapped her hands. “Now out with the menfolk. Runa, get the fire going at a good blaze in Dís’ bedroom.” 

Thorin hoisted Fili up into his arms, collected a blanket from his bed and headed upstairs where he settled down in front of the hearth with the boy on his lap. After wrapping Fili in the blanket he lit himself a pipe and faced the hardest task he could think of: Waiting.

Towards of the end of the fourth pipe Thorin could hear Dís scream for the first time. Wincing, he checked Fili, but thankfully the boy was soundly asleep. With a deep sigh, he knocked the ashes out of his pipe and filled it again. Another scream, and Thorin winced again. 

His sister had been at his side since he had been a boy, and he had never heard her scream other than in fury, and that only when she still had been a child.  
Together they had fled from dragonfire, travelled the wild, and he had watched her turn from pampered princess into a strong, capable woman, watched her delicate hands turn hard and calloused from work, had faced cold, hunger and loss with her. He had never heard her scream like this, and could never have imagined he would. It made a cold shiver creep down his spine.

He sucked so hard at his pipe that the glow of the pipe weed warmed his face, and exhaled thick clouds that began to gather under the ceiling in a veil of white streaks as he was listening to his sister’s screams. He wished he could have gone out, but he didn’t want to drag Fili through the cold night; so he could only be grateful for the fact that Dís’ screams were muffled by the door and a flight of stairs. 

The screams rose in intensity and the time between them shortened. “Mahal...” Thorin breathed softly. How could any woman be pregnant for the second time and not despair? How could mothers of two or three still smilingly caress their swollen belly when they _knew_ what was about to happen to them?

He stared into the hearth, watching the flames dance on the wood. How could a warrior go into the fight when he knew what wounds awaited him? The answer to that was simple: A warrior does what he must. And with that realisation came another: No man had the right to call women weak when they paid this high a price to give him his children and heirs.

Dís screamed again, a high-pitched growl that reminded Thorin of a mortally wounded wolf. It was a scream to curdle his blood, and it lasted longer than those before, seemed to go on forever. He could hear Salla shout, and suddenly the scream pitched into a howl. And after that, there was silence. 

His pipe forgotten, Thorin closed his eyes, praying to Mahal that his sister would live. He remained like this for a while, and when he opened his eyes again, he could see a faint streak of daylight filtering through the shutters. The sun would be up soon, and in the devouring silence, Thorin wondered with a heavy heart if he still had a sister and if the boy sleeping in his arms was an orphan now.

Steps were coming up the stairs. 

“Thorin?”  
He craned his neck and found Runa standing in the doorway, a grin on her face that threatened to split her head in half. “All is well. Your sister has another son.”  
Breath that Thorin hadn’t been aware of holding escaped him in a huff. “Thank you.” Then he put the pipe down and patted Fili’s cheek. “Fili, boy. Wake up.”  
Fili muttered a protest.  
“Fili. Wake up. You have a brother.”

Fili’s eyes flew open and he sat upright so fast that he almost fell from Thorin’s lap. “The baby?”  
“Yes!” Runa laughed at his expression, wide eyes, wrinkles in his face where the creases of Thorin’s shirt had left marks and with his hair sticking out into all directions. “Yes, you have a little brother!”

Fili was so fast that Thorin had no chance to hold him and tell him to be gentle. He all but flew down the stairs and stormed into his mother’s bedroom. 

“Where is my baby brother?!”  
“Here now!” Salla said sternly. “Lower your voice and move carefully!”  
Fili gave her a glare. “Where is my baby brother?”

“He is here, my love.” Dís was propped up by pillows, her face pale and her hair still moist, but she was smiling, and an inner light seemed to make her almost glow. “Come here, but be careful.”

Fili padded over to the bed and carefully, climbed into it to kneel beside his mother. She was wearing a nightshirt that was cut deep, and in her arms, the skin of the face against the skin of her breast, was a tiny baby, eyes squeezed shut, skin wrinkly and red. Sticky black hair clung to its head. 

“He’s ugly!” Fili exclaimed.  
Dís had to chuckle. “He won’t stay that way. In a few days he will look much better.”  
Fili still looked disappointed and displeased. “He’s ugly,” He repeated.

“Fili.” It was Thorin’s voice, coming from the door. “Shouldn’t you be saying something nice to him as a welcome, rather than blaming him for something he cannot help?”  
Fili blushed a deep crimson and his eyes shone with moisture despite being chided so gently by his uncle. “Sorry...” he whispered. 

Then he leaned over the baby again and took one of the tiny, wrinkled hands in his. “Sorry, little brother. I’m Fili, I’m your big brother. _Adad’s_ not here anymore, he sleeps in a stone box down in the mountain, because he’s dead. But Uncle Thorin’s here, and he promised to teach me everything, and he will teach you too. And then we can practise sword fighting together.” The infant’s fingers closed around Fili’s thumb in a healthy grip and a smile showed on his lips for a second. “See?” Fili beamed at Thorin. “He likes me!”

Thorin carefully sat down onto the bed beside his sister and nephews and ran a hand through Fili’s hair.  
“Just remember the one thing, Fili,” Thorin said, holding Fili’s gaze and speaking in a low, but earnest voice. “He and you are siblings, and that is the strongest bond between dwarrow that exists. There is no closer bond between men than being brothers. It is a bond of blood. You are of one blood, and each of you shall forever be a part of the other. Never forget that.”

Fili’s eyes had gone wide at being spoken so earnestly to, and he nodded solemnly with sincerity in his shiny blue eyes. 

After a long moment, Fili smiled again. “I will take care of him until he gets bigger.” He still hadn’t let go of the tiny hand, and the baby was still gripping Fili’s thumb. “And you and me, we will teach him everything, just like _Adad_ promised. Right, Uncle?”  
“Right.”Thorin’s voice was a little rough, but steady. “And now get dressed, and then we can go to Dwalin and Balin and tell them that you have a brother.”

With a delighted grin, Fili shot out of the bed and was out of the door, nightshirt flapping behind him.

Thorin leaned over his sister and pressed his forehead against hers. “Well done, _uzbadnâthaê_.”  
Dís chuckled softly. “You haven’t called me that in years.”  
Thorin leaned back and met her eyes. “Maybe I should rather have called you my warrior. Listening to your ordeal tonight made me realise that it is not only the men who fight and win their battles.”  
His sister gave him a gentle smile. “Our battles are lost sometimes, too.”  
“I know.” Thorin took her hand. “I know, _Nana_. The happier I am that you are of Durin’s blood and as strong as the mountain. I could not bear to lose you, too.”

Dís squeezed his hand and smiled. “I have too much to live for to give up, even though I was tempted to lie down and follow Felin when they brought him home.” She lowered her eyes to the face of her second son who would never know his father. “What shall we name him?”

“Uncle Thorin?”  
Thorin looked up at Fili who stood in the doorway, fully dressed and radiating excitement. “In a moment, lad.” His eyes went back onto his newborn nephew. “Felin was a man who held all the old ways of the dwarrow, dear. I shall name him Kili, in the tradition of naming brothers.”

Fili stepped beside the bed and leaned a little forward, a huge grin on his face. “Did you hear that, little brother? You’re Kili now, and I’m Fili. Kili and Fili, Fili and Kili! We’re brothers! Kili and Fili!”

Dís unsuccessfully suppressed a yawn despite her smile.

“Come now” Thorin said to Fili. “Your mother needs to rest, and Dwalin will want to know that you have a brother.”

Fili climbed into the bed and gave his mother a big, hearty kiss, then leaned over the infant and placed a very careful kiss onto the tip of the tiny nose. “See you, brother Kili,” he whispered.

With a shake of his head and a gentle smile, Thorin shooed him upstairs and out of the house, and Dís closed her eyes as she listened to the breathing of her baby. For a second, she thought she could hear Felin’s voice.

_Well done, my love. Remember that in them, a part of me will always be with you._

A tear trickled down her cheek and she smiled as she caressed the head of her newborn son.


	2. Forgiveness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I do have kids myself. Who would have guessed.

It was just one of those mornings that made Dís question the sanity of her mind the moment she had chosen to marry and become a mother. The washbasin had been turned over, and as soon as she had cleaned up the mess, little Kili yelled at the top of his lungs from the direction of the chamber pot that he was done. He had not quite reached it in time, though, so Dís continued to clean the floor.

“Now get dressed!” She pointed at the stack of clothes for Kili. “And Fili, get up now!”  
Fili mumbled something incomprehensible and peeled himself out of the blankets.  
“Up! We have work to be done for tonight!”  
Fili was instantly awake. “Durin’s Day!!”  
“Yes, the celebration for Durin’s Day. And we have a lot to do, so get up now.”  
Fili shot out of the bed, went over to the washbasin for a catlick and began to dress.

Kili was still struggling with his shirt and complaining in a whiny voice that he couldn’t do it himself.  
Dís suppressed a groan. “And if I help you all the time you never learn it!”  
Kili pouted at her through the neck hole. “I’m stuck.”  
“No, you’re stupid!” called his brother.  
“I’ve told you a hundred times, Kili.” Dís shook her head. “You can’t get through with the face first, it needs to go over the top of your head.”  
Kili ignored her advice and tore and pulled at the shirt.  
“Stop that! You’ll tear it apart!” With an angry snort, Dís admitted defeat and helped Kili into his shirt. She picked up the trousers, but at that moment Thorin called down the stairs. 

“Dís? Sister?”  
“I’m coming!” She spun around and glared at her boys. “Now get dressed, and hurry. Otherwise there’ll be no sweet cakes tonight for you!”  
That did the trick, and both boys began hastily struggling with their trousers. Satisfied, Dís wiped a strand of hair from her forehead and hurried up the stairs.

Fili sat down and proceeded to pull on his socks as Kili began to run around him in circles, still barefoot.  
“I’m an eagle! I’m an eagle!” He flapped his arms.  
“No, you’re stupid! Get your socks on or there’ll be no cakes!”  
With a pout Kili sat down and began struggling with his socks. It was when he was close to tears that Fili took pity on his little brother and helped him.

As soon as he had his socks on Kili jumped up and began running around again, announcing he was an eagle, while Fili began to put on his belt.  
“I’m the King of the Eagles!”  
Fili looked up to see his little brother wielding the toy sword that uncle Thorin had made for him for his eighth birthday. “Put that down, it’s mine!”  
Kili laughed and waved the sword about. “I’m King!”  
“Give it back!” Fili made a grab for it.  
“Give it back!!” Fili shrieked, but Kili jumped back, still waving the sword.

The sword hit the stones of the fireplace and the blade shattered in two.

Kili dropped the hilt as if he had burned himself and stared at his brother, tears welling up in his eyes.  
Fili stared at the broken sword, and tears broke free from his eyes, too. “You broke it! You stupid, dumb orc fart! You broke it!!”  
In his furious despair Fili lashed out at his brother with the thing he happened to have in his hands without thinking. It was his belt.

Kili’s piercing scream of pain alerted both Dís and Thorin who came bolting down the stairs to see Kili lying on the floor curled up into a ball and howling like a wolf, Fili standing at the hearth with a white, tear-stained face, his belt dangling from his hand, and between them, the broken sword.

While Dís picked up Kili and sat down on the bed with him cradled in her lap, Thorin’s expression darkened very slowly as he took it all in. 

“He broke it...” Fili whispered tonelessly at Thorin.  
“I see that,” his uncle replied.

Kili was still wailing and Fili had been turned into stone under his uncle’s gaze.  
Finally, Thorin sighed. “Fili, come with me.”  
Looking like a beaten dog and frightened about what fate awaited him, Fili followed his uncle upstairs.  
“Get your cloak and boots on.” Thorin said, and when Fili had done so, he waved at him to follow.

They left the house and walked down the path until they reached the place beside the butcher. A pig was chained there; grunting nervously as if it knew something was amiss but couldn’t quite place what.  
Fili grabbed his uncle’s arm and started to cry again. “Don’t butcher me, uncle! I’m sorry!”  
Thorin shook his head and freed his hand from Fili’s grasp. “Silly boy. I am not going to butcher you. Stop the whining.”

Shivering, Fili wiped his nose with the back of his hand and watched as the butcher and his helpers now approached the pig. He had seen this many times before, so it was no shock to him when they knocked the pig unconscious with a large club before slitting its throat and heaving it onto the hook so it could bleed out.

“Come here, Fili,” Thorin said, standing beside the bleeding pig.  
Fili hesitatingly sidled closer.  
“Take your belt, lad. Take your belt and hit the dead pig instead of your brother.”  
“I’m not angry anymore,” Fili whispered meekly.  
“Do as I say.”  
Swallowing heavily, Fili removed his belt and hit the pig’s back with a feeble slap.

“Be serious about it, lad.” Thorin’s voice was not angry, but stern. “He broke your sword. The one I made for you.”  
Fili took a deep breath and hit the pig again. And again. And, working himself into fury, hit it again with all his strength. The buckle cracked against the pig’s thick skin and broke it. A trickle of blood ran free from the tear in the skin while around it, the flesh began to turn a little blue. Fili gasped and stared at the wound he had inflicted, the belt sliding out of unresisting fingers.

“A pig’s skin is thicker than that of a child.” Thorin went into a crouch beside the shaking boy and put an arm around him. “Do you see what you could have done?”  
Fili nodded at him through his tears.  
“Do you think doing this to your own brother over a broken toy is worth it?”  
This time, Fili shook his head with a soft sob.  
“Look at me, Fili.”

Fili kept on sobbing softly until Thorin gently took his chin and forced the boy to look into his eyes. “I understand your anger. Kili had no right to take the sword, but that he broke it was an accident and I am sure he did not want that to happen.”  
“I know,” Fili replied, voice thick with tears. “I’m sorry.”  
“And I am sure Kili is, too. Now listen.”  
Fili swallowed and nodded.

“I am not telling you never to be angry at your brother. You can be as angry or as furious at him as may be, but that anger must never take control over you. A man who lets his anger or his fury, as justified as it may be, take control over his actions will do things he later regrets. It is hard, Fili, sometimes very hard, to keep control over yourself... but undoing things or unsaying words is impossible.”  
Fili nodded again and wiped his eyes. 

“Now let’s go home, you have not had any breakfast yet.”  
Fili stared at the pig again. “Did I make Kili bleed?”  
Thorin frowned thoughtfully, but then shook his head. “No. We would have seen it when your mother picked him up. Come now.”

They made their way home in silence, to find Dís and Kili sitting at the table. Kili was shovelling porridge with honey into his face but stopped when his brother hesitatingly walked up to him. Both boys stared at each other uncomfortably.

“I’m sorry, Kili,” Fili muttered. “I’m really sorry I hit you. I didn’t want to hurt you that much.”  
Kili shuffled back and forth in his chair, his eyes filling with tears. “’m sorry I broke your sword.”  
“It’s just a toy.” His older brother replied. “But you’re my brother.” With that, Fili pulled his little brother into a fierce hug.  
“I’ll not take your sword again,” Kili mumbled.  
“And I never hurt you again, promise. Brothers?”  
Kili dug his nose into the folds of Fili’s shirt. “Brothers!”

They let go of each other, unaware of Thorin and Dís exchanging a smile, their mother wiping her eyes with a corner of her apron. 

“Uncle Thorin...” Kili began hesitatingly.  
“Yes, lad?”  
Kili looked back and forth between him and his brother. “Can you repair Fili’s sword?”  
“I’ll see what I can do.” Thorin sat down, a small and satisfied smile on his lips, and helped himself to a share of the porridge.


	3. Strength

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _caragu_ : excrement (in this context: shit)

The first time Kili had been to the market in Aldershot, the nearest town of Man to their home in Ered Luin, he had been so excited that he had hardly been able to sleep the night before their departure. 

But this year going to the market was less of an exciting prospect as Kili had learned his lesson the year before. Towns of Man were unpleasant, and men equally so, if not outright dangerous.  
So armed with the firm resolution of staying close to his brother and uncle he swore to himself not to make the same mistake as last year and get lost. He had almost not made it back home again, thanks to a pack of stray dogs and villagers too cruel or uncaring to help a dwarfling in peril.

But admittedly, the market was overwhelming. All sorts of food, utensils, tools, toys, weapons, clothing, spices and what you can think of were for sale, and sometimes it was hard to focus on Thorin’s back to keep up with him. 

After finally reaching the stall they had been searching for, Thorin and Dwalin greeted the other dwarf tradesmen and unpacked their wares. To avoid being out priced and short changed, the dwarrow always met in one stall to sell their wares for the same prices and same conditions to have a stronger point in negotiations.

After his own merchandise was arranged to his satisfaction, Thorin dug into a pocket and handed Fili a few coins while Dwalin had a distrustful look around.  
“We passed a baker not so long ago,” he said. “Go get yourself something to eat.”  
“What about you, uncle?”  
“I’m fine. Don’t lose your bearings.”

The two brothers set off into the direction they had come from, with Kili firmly holding on to Fili’s hand. They found the baker’s stall, run by a woman with a bosom so huge that she could have crushed a dwarfling to death between her breasts, but she had a hearty laugh and friendly eyes and selected the two sweet rolls with the most sugar on top for what she called the ‘cute and well-mannered small folk’. 

Chewing happily the brothers made their way back slowly, looking at various wares on display when suddenly, a man-child bumped into Kili, sending him sprawling onto his backside. Before the young dwarf even realised what had happened, the boy was gone, and Kili’s sweet roll with him.  
“What a beast!” Fili helped his brother up and looked grim. Even being five years older than his brother he was still smaller than the human boy, but he felt stung in his honour as a dwarf. “Come on, Kili, we’ll get that back.”

“I don’t know.” Kili rubbed his behind and gave Fili an unhappy look.  
“He’s stolen your sweet roll!” Fili tugged as his arm. “Remember what uncle Thorin always says? No one steals from a dwarf.”  
That got Kili’s attention and he straightened up. 

As fast as they could, the two brothers then ran into the direction the thief had set off. They caught just a glimpse of his red hair vanishing into a side alley and followed him, only to realise they had entered a dead end. A stack of old burlap sacks was all they found at the back end of the alley.

Frustrated and feeling cheated and dishonoured, the boys turned around, to find the thief in person standing at the entrance of the alley. Beside him stood three more of their kind, big ugly boys who all topped Fili by several inches.

“Get under those sacks, Kili! Hide!” Fili hissed, and the frightened younger dwarf agreed quickly. 

The four man-children now closed in on Fili, wearing unpleasant expressions of evil satisfaction.

“Look here,” the red-haired thief said, biting into the stolen roll. “What are you doing here all alone, little dwarf?”  
“Trying to catch a thief,” Fili snarled, curling his fists at his side. 

The boys laughed and another one said: “You? You little titch?”  
“Where’s the other pipsqueak?” The third one asked. “Still crying because he lost his goodie?”  
“He didn’t lose it.” Fili’s anger was still having the upper hand even though he knew that he was in for a beating of the worst kind. “You stinking filth stole it.”

A foot lashed out and caught Fili in the ribs, but his attacker, the red-haired thief himself, had underestimated the sturdiness of dwarrow, even when they were only children. Fili swayed but didn’t lose his balance.

Now one of the other boys picked up a large stone and weighed it in his hand. Fili took a cautious step back, but behind him was only a pile of sacks hiding his little brother.

Said brother had been watching the unpleasant man-children trying to surround Fili, but when he now realised that they were about to attack his brother with stones, his fear all but vanished and he shot out from between the sacks. 

“Leave my brother alone, you filthy shit!” 

Straightening up, Kili picked up a stone as well, and quickly positioned himself so that the brothers were standing back to back.

“Well, another half-pint.” The red-haired thief spat out and grinned. “Leave your brother alone, huh? Or what else?”  
Kili closed his fingers around the stone. “Or you’ll regret it.”

That was rewarded with another boost of laughter, but when one of the boys tried to take a swing at Fili, Kili threw the stone and hit him squarely between the eyes. He stumbled backward and folded neatly into a heap.  
“Good throw,” Fili whispered.  
“I don’t have any more stones,” Kili gave back miserably.  
“We’ll sell our hide dearly,” Fili said and lifted his fists, assuming a fighting stance. Kili copied him.

Neither of them had yet received any weapon training, but they had been in their share of boyish brawls, both with each other and together against others. And now, that the numbers had been shifted slightly, they might even have a chance of getting away and not beaten into a pulp.

The human boys looked back and forth between their fallen comrade and the two dwarflings of whom even the taller one hardly reached their armpits. As one, they charged.

In unspoken agreement the two brothers suddenly parted so that for their attackers, they vanished for a second. Instead of running into two dwarfs they ran into empty air, and Fili kicked out the legs under one of them while his brother pummelled the kidneys of another with both fists.

It would have worked; they would have gotten out of there, if not for a lucky strike of Fili’s fallen opponent. He lashed out with his foot and caught Fili where it hurt most, and Fili emitted a strained wheeze as he collapsed.  
Kili managed to repay him in kind with his heel, making him roll up into a ball with a howl.  
That still left two against him, however, but a movement at the edge of his vision drew Kili’s attention the same moment he heard the voice.

“Kili! Fili!”  
“Dwalin!” Kili swiftly ducked under a clumsily aimed blow. “Dwalin! We’re here!”  
A foot hit him in the small of his back and send him flat onto his belly, yet as Kili peeled his face out of the dirt he saw a pair of heavy dwarfen boots pass him by. 

Dwalin made short work of the two remaining would-be thugs and gently picked Fili up into his arms. Tears were rolling down Fili’s cheeks and he still cupped his crotch in a feeble attempt to stem the pain.  
Kili clung to Dwalin’s shirt as the older dwarf carried Fili back to the market stall of the dwarf tradesmen. 

Thorin almost knocked his chair over when he realised what he was seeing.“Dwalin? Kili? Fili! What in the name of Durin has happened?”

Dwalin gently put Fili down and settled him on a bale of straw. “The lads got cornered in a blind alley by four man-boys,” Dwalin said. “I’d seen them run past and had the feeling there was something wrong.”  
Thorin sat down next to Fili and put an arm around his shoulder.  
“Fili, my lad. What happened?”  
Fili mutely shook his head, tears and snot dripping from his nose.  
Thorin’s eyes came to rest on Kili.

“We went to the bakers, like you told us.” Kili swallowed. “And then one of them boys knocked me over and stole my roll. And then Fili said that no one steals from a dwarf and we ran after him to get it back. And then...” He wiped his nose. “Then there were four of them.”  
“Four?” Dwalin raised his eyebrows. “I only put down three.”

Kili squared his shoulder, and feeling not a little proud, he gave back: “I knocked one out with a stone. I have a good aim, Fili said!”  
Dwalin chuckled and ruffled his hair. “Good lad.”  
“What happened then?” Thorin interjected.  
“Then they called us mean names, like half-pint and titch and pipsqueak and they attacked. Well...” He dug into the dirt with his toes. “Fili told me to hide away, but when one of the stinkers attacked him with a stone I couldn’t leave him alone!”

Thorin raised his eyebrows. 

“I couldn’t let him stand alone against them!”  
“And what difference do you think you might have done?” Thorin’s voice was stern.  
“I knocked one out all by myself!” Kili stomped his foot. “And then it was three to one, and Fili kicked out the legs under one of them, but that piece of _caragu_...”  
“Kili!” Thorin glared at his nephew while Dwalin gave in to his mirth and burst out laughing. “Mind your language.”  
“Sorry, uncle. So after Fili had sent him sprawling onto his... backside, he kicked Fili.”  
“Kicked him where?”

Fili finally lifted his head and joined the conversation in a slightly hoarse voice. “He kicked me in the stones, uncle, so hard that I thought I could spit them out,” he gasped, and let his head drop again.

Thorin’s facial expression darkened and he looked up at his cousin.  
“Don’t worry, Thorin. I’ve given them a handful and I doubt they’ll be harassing dwarflings again anytime soon.”

Thorin grumbled something in Khuzdul under his breath while he shook his head. Then he drew Fili closer and ruffled his hair.  
“If you feel you can walk again, go somewhere quiet and try to have a piss,” Dwalin said. “If that still works, then there’s no damage done.”  
Fili nodded mutely, and Thorin got up, pulled Dwalin aside and started a conversation in a low voice.

Kili cautiously sat down beside his brother and put an arm around his shoulder. Fili dropped his head onto Kili’s shoulder and clamped both arms around him. “Thanks, Kili.”  
“For what?”  
“For not hiding away when one of them went at me with a stone.”  
“Stupid. I’d never leave you hanging.”

Fili lifted his head and pressed his forehead against Kili’s.  
“Brothers?”  
Kili grinned and brushed noses with him. “Brothers.”


	4. Loyalty

The sun was beginning to set and Thorin set his hammer down onto the anvil and decided that he’d not start on another piece of his work. 

“Fili! Kili! Time to go home!”

The two adolescent boys shot out of the coal store moments after, only too happy to oblige. And after rinsing the worst of the dirt from their day’s work off their hands in a bucket of water, they left the forge.

“I need to speak to Dwalin, he’s working in the smelter today.” Thorin said to his nephews. “But it won’t take long, and then we’ll be home.”  
“ _Amad_ said she’d make mutton stew!” Kili said. “And I’m starving.”  
“Me too.” Fili fell in.  
Thorin chuckled under his breath. “You two are always hungry. I swear, you will eat us out of house and home one of these days.”

The smelter was only across the street from the forge were Thorin worked, and having reached the door, they braced themselves against the heat that would await them inside.  
Dwalin, wearing a loin cloth and nothing more and still dripping sweat, was just adjusting some of the vents of the furnace. He waved at them when he saw them enter. 

Fili and Kili remained at the top of the stairs and stayed close to the door. In winter, when the wind was chilling to the bones and icicles grew on every roof the smelter was a nice place, but in summer it was almost unbearable. The air inside was so hot that it almost scorched you from the inside.

Dwalin and Thorin were engaged in a heated discussion, and the two boys looked around, poked each other in the ribs and complained about being hungry. The hissing and steaming furnace caught their attention again, and Kili was just pointing a particularly impressive column of steam out to his brother when someone downstairs yelled an alarm at the top of their lungs.

“Gas build up! Everyone out!!”

The two brothers exchanged a puzzled look. Someone else shouted something, and everyone in the smelter began to run for the stairs.  
“Get out!” Thorin hollered. “Get out of here! Move!”  
They shoved through the door of the smelter, everyone running as fast as they could. 

“Everyone out?” Dwalin shouted. “Is everyone out?”  
A quick count confirmed that everyone had made it out of the smelter in time. Not a second later a muffled hiss and a metallic screech came out of the smelter “RUN!” Dwalin screamed. “COVER!”

Not a blink of an eye later, the roof exploded.

Burning wood and bits of glowing metal rained down on the dwarrow who desperately ducked for cover. Fili and Kili had a good head start and had almost reached the forge when Fili stumbled over a piece of metal pipe. He lost his footing and fell flat onto his belly, but just as he scrambled to his feet again, he was hit by a falling piece of burning debris. He was knocked out instantly, unaware that his shirt had already caught fire.

“FILI!!” It was Kili’s terrified scream that alerted Thorin, and he and Dwalin grabbed a bucket each and ran back towards Fili’s unconscious form. Kili was screaming at the top of his lungs, even after the two dwarrow had emptied the buckets over Fili and put the fire out. 

Thorin pulled Kili to his feet and clamped his arms around him. “Get a grip, Kili! Screaming like a girl is not going to help!”

Kili shook like a sapling in a storm, but gulped for air and forced himself under control.  
“Good lad.” Thorin slapped his back and cast a look at Fili. Dwalin was crouching beside him.  
“Looks worse than it is.” He looked up and met Thorin’s eyes. “Blisters and scrapes. Shame about the hair, though.”  
Thorin shook his head. “He’s lucky to be alive. Let’s get him home.”

**x-x-x ******

When Fili came to, he was lying on his belly, but he was home and in his bed. And his back was on fire. A whimper of pain escaped him that he had no means to suppress.  
“Easy, my love.” That was his mother’s voice.  
“ _Amad?_ ”  
“I’m here. Now don’t try to move. Your back has been burned, but not too badly.”  
“Not?” Fili could hear the weakness in his voice, but he couldn’t do anything about it. “I hurt so much.”  
“I know.” Dís reached out and caressed his head. “I know. There’s nothing we can do about it now. It will take time, but you will heal.” 

Suddenly it wasn’t the sensation of his burning back any more that brought Fili close to panic. His mother was caressing his head, and he could feel her hand... on his skin. He lifted his hands to grab for his hair. 

A chocked sob escaped him when he found none. 

“ _Amad!_ ” He felt tears sting in his eyes. “What happened? My hair... what happened to my hair?”  
“I’m sorry, love.” Dís voice trembled slightly. “It burned. There was nothing left we could have saved.”  
“My hair...” Fili felt shame and horror choke him. “My hair! Mahal, why my hair? They will all mock me now, and I’m ugly and...laughable and...” He broke off and buried his face into the sheets. He couldn’t hold back his sobs, and he saw no use in trying.  
“My poor love.” Dís wiped her eyes. “It will grow back. I know you feel terrible now, but you won’t be like this for long.”  
“I don’t want to be like this, _Amad_.” Fili choked out between sobs.  
Dís voice was soft with compassion. “Of course not.” 

Neither Dís nor Fili had noticed Kili standing in the doorway. Neither of them heard him go again, and no one saw the look of fierce resolve on his face. 

**x-x-x**

It wasn’t before the next morning that Fili dared to sit up again. He couldn’t say which sensation was worse: the seething pain burning his upper back or the absence of hair around his face. Gritting his teeth, he ran his hands over his bare head. “ _Amad_ , can I have a mirror?”  
“No.” His mother shook her head. “Don’t do this to yourself. Don’t make it worse.”  
“Let me see this!” He looked at her grimly with red-rimmed eyes. “I want to know what kind of shame I’m facing.” 

Dís hesitated for a moment longer, then she shook her head with a sigh and went to retrieve her hand mirror from her room.  
She hesitantly held it out to Fili, and he took it with trembling hands. Fresh tears welled up in his eyes as he stared at the unfamiliar face looking back at him. There was nothing left but the barest hint of stubble.  
It took all his strength not to throw the mirror away from him but to place it, face down, beside him onto the bed. 

“Please, Fili, I know how bad it looks, but it won’t stay that way.” His mother sat down beside him. “It was only your hair that burned away, not the scalp. It will all grow back.”  
Fili nodded in mute despair.  
His mother took his hand and ran her thumb across it to comfort him. Fili took a deep breath and looked up again and suddenly, his expression turned from sorrow to dismay. 

“Where’s Kili?” He looked at his mother again. “I haven’t seen him since... where is he? Was he hurt, too?”  
“No.” His mother patted the back of his hand. “No, he was not hurt, but I haven’t seen him since last night. Maybe he slept in the stable.”  
“Why?” Fili bit his lower lip. “Why would he...”  
“Maybe he did not want to disturb you, being as you had been wounded and he hadn’t.”  
“But where...” 

“I am here, Fili.” 

Both Fili and Dís looked up, and upon seeing Kili stepping hesitating into the doorframe, Dís jumped up from the bed with a scream. “Kili! What in Mahal’s name have you done?!”  
Kili gave her an unhappy but determined look.  
Fili stared at his brother with his eyes widening more and more. “Brother...” His voice broke. “What have you done? Why did you do this?” 

Kili looked at his feet, then he stepped hesitantly into the room. In the light, it became obvious that he had cut his hair with a knife and as close to the skin as possible, leaving only irregular stubble behind. 

Fili laboured himself up from the bed, his face white as the sheets he had been resting on. 

“Kili.” He swallowed hard. “Brother... why?”  
Kili stepped up to him and finally, met his eyes again. “I heard what you said last night. When you realised that your... what had happened.” He swallowed. “I... it... it hurt me, seeing you like that. I don’t... I didn’t...”  
Fili took his hands. “But...”  
“No. It isn’t fair. I was standing right beside you, and it could‘ve been me. You felt ashamed, and I felt ashamed too, because I had felt...” He groped for words. “I felt only relief it hadn’t been me.” He went on in a husky whisper. “And when I saw what it did to you, I was ashamed. It’s not fair, Fili. I’m your brother. I won’t have you feel ashamed, or be mocked, or... not alone. Not if I can help it. You’ll go through this, I go with you.” 

For a long moment in heavy silence, the brothers looked at each other before they embraced. 

Thorin, who had been alarmed by Dís uncontrolled scream and had bolted down the stairs, had immediately realised what had happened and kept in the background to not disturb his nephews’ conversation. Now he stepped into the room and, when the two looked up at him, placed his hands on one of their shoulders each. Then he looked at Kili. 

“It is a terribly brave thing you have done. I can honestly say I don’t know if I would have had the guts for it.”  
“He would have done the same for me.”  
Thorin looked at Fili.  
“I... I would like to say ‘of course’, uncle.” Fili looked at his brother. “But...”  
“You would.” Kili said. “Just like me, you’d have spent hours wincing and trembling with the knife in your hand and then done it.”  
A hesitating smile appeared on Fili’s face. “You’re right. I wouldn’t have let you go through this alone, either.”  
“Brothers?”  
Fili’s smile widened as he touched his younger brother’s forehead with his. “Brothers.” 

Thorin, mindful of Fili’s back, carefully embraced both of them. “I have witnessed few deeds of loyalty in my life matching this... and it is admirable and unheard of in dwarrow so young. I am proud of you. Both of you.”  
The brothers exchanged a small smile.  
“And the first one to mock either of you shall answer to me” Thorin added, his voice firm. “Rely on that.” 


	5. Love

The night before their departure on a quest that would lead them across Middle Earth into dangers unknown and unfathomable, Thorin bade his two nephews to sit with him for a last few hours of peace.

They sat in quietly, smoking their pipes , and neither of them spoke until Thorin finally broke the silence.

“I know I have said this many times before, so forgive me for needing to say it one final time.”  
Fili slowly exhaled a cloud and Kili crossed his arms onto the table.   
“In the dangers that we will face, you will need to watch out for each other. But now, before we depart in the morning, there is something else that I feel the need to tell you.” He put down his pipe and looked first at Fili, then at Kili.  
“We do not know what will come for us. We do not know what might befall us. Some of us might not make it, but I am sure you are aware of that, too.”

“We are not children anymore, Uncle.” Fili exchanged a look with his brother. “We know how to defend ourselves.”  
“I do not doubt that.” A faint smile played on Thorin’s face for a second. “You are my best warriors, and I have complete faith in your skills.”  
The brothers straightened up at this unexpected praise.  
“But there is more, which I find hard to talk about.”

He busied himself with lighting a new pipe, and his nephews knew him well enough to know he was not stalling for time but trying to gather his thoughts.   
Finally, Thorin lit the pipe, took a deep breath and exhaled a slow, long cloud before looking at his nephews again. 

“You are brothers,” he said in a low voice. “And I know how close you are. I also know that dwarrow as young as you tend to think they are invincible and will not die.” A sad smile tugged at his lips. “I was the same once. But I was proven wrong all too early.”  
He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he opened them again his nephews could see the pain in those piercing blue eyes. 

“I know I never talked much about my brother, but I never told you why. I never did so because the pain was too hard to bear. Frerin and I were close, as close as you. We were inseparable, always knew what the other was thinking, and in a fight, we stood side by side as a unit, invincible as long as one was watching out for the other.”  
He sighed heavily and stared at his hands.   
“I loved him deeply, my boys. Of course there was anger, and teasing and fighting, but never for long. Neither of us could stand to be angry with the other, or worse, have the other be angry at him. We always made up, and we never went to bed, not one single day, with a grudge between us.”

Fili and Kili exchanged a long look, reading their own thoughts mirrored in each other’s eyes. Unconsciously they leaned a little closer together, and Thorin’s sad smile reappeared upon noticing this. 

“When Smaug came, and I could not find him, I was about to go mad. I was about to run back inside, dragon or no dragon, and find my brother. It was Dwalin who held me back, telling me he had seen him come out. I then ran to find him, to discover he had thought me lost, as well. Bereft of our home and many souls close and dear to us we both were, but we still had each other.”

Thorin looked at his pipe and took a deep breath that heaved his shoulders. 

“He never strayed from my side after that. We shared our blanket, our food and what little comfort we could find. But then...” His voice broke and he cleared his throat. “Then came the day my grandfather decided to try and claim back Moria.”

Kili and Fili exchanged another look, this time it was a look of sadness mingled with worry. They knew about Frerin, and when and where he had died, but they had never expected to hear any more details.

“You know all the stories about that battle, you know all the grim details, so I need not recount them now. But in the final charge, Frerin and I lost sight of each other. He was at my side one moment, and gone the next, swallowed by the maelstrom of enemies surrounding us. It was impossible to look for him in the thick of battle. And once the battle was over...” Thorin swallowed and closed his eyes. His usual mask of strength and invincibility had shattered, baring the pain in his soul to his nephewsfor the firsttime.

“Once the battle was over I looked for him.” Thorin’s voice was rough. “I called his name until I was hoarse. I could not find him, not... not amongst the living.” Then he opened his eyes again, and a single tear trickled into his beard. “I lost him. I lost him that day, despite having promised him once that I would always be at his side to protect him. But here he was, at the edge of the battlefield where a small group of our warriors had been closed in by the enemy, his body shattered and broken.   
I cannot remember how long I knelt beside him and wept. It was growing dark when Dwalin found me, but I could not leave him alone. Dwalin sat with me at his side through the night and come morning, I had to say farewell. We had to burn our dead, and nothing has ever grieved me more than not being able to put my brother in a decent grave.”

In the silence that followed, neither of the brothers knew what to say, they didn’t even know what to feel. They had never seen tears on Thorin’s face and where deeply shaken by the sight. When Thorin finally looked up his eyes were clear again, but the beads of moisture clinging to his beard still spoke of the power of his feelings, of the depth of his loss and pain. 

“Our last words to each other were a promise to meet again once the battle was won. And the battle was won. But my brother... my brother was lost.”

“I’m sorry, Uncle,” Fili said softly. “I can see you still miss him.”  
Thorin simply nodded. “That I do, and I will until I enter the Halls of Waiting where I will finally tell him all those things I never got to tell him. And this is what I implore you to do, Kili and Fili.” He paused, locking eyes with each of his nephews, first Kili, then Fili.  
“Say what you feel you need to say. Do not wait for a better moment, for that moment may never come, and then it will be too late. The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. Do not let it come to this.” 

Thorin fell silent, and after a while, he slowly got up. He walked around the table and put one hand onto each of his nephews’ shoulder. “I will heed my words, my boys. Never doubt that I love you as if you were my own. I am proud of you, proud to call you my kin, and proud at having had a part in making you what you are. Never doubt it, and never forget it.”

The two brothers looked up at him and mutely shook their heads. Thorin gave their shoulders a squeeze and left them.

For a while, neither of the two brothers knew what to say. It was Kili who finally broke the silence, telling his brother in a low voice about all the things he was grateful for in his older brother. Fili then replied with thoughts of his own, all those times his little brother had made him proud, and for a timeless moment they were lost in their memories and in each other’s company as the fire slowly burned down.

When finally, there was only silence left the two brothers looked into each other’s eyes, and Fili’s voice sounded like a holy oath. For that was what it meant to him.

“I love you, little brother. And if this should end in death...”  
“...then we will go together,” Kili finished for him. “Love you too.”

They got up and embraced, and then pressed their foreheads together.   
“Brother,” Fili muttered.  
“Brother,” Kili whispered back. 

The dim glow of the dying fire cast a flickering, blood red light onto their skin that did not illuminate the darkness around them.


End file.
